


Ghost Nazi High School Fun Adventures Fun

by YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO



Category: Dracula - Bram Stoker, Hamlet - Shakespeare, I don't even know - Fandom, Monster High, i guess? - Fandom, parody - Fandom
Genre: High School AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 04:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14252796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO/pseuds/YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Summary: Moronica Von Vampire is a teenage vampire who attends a school full of monsters, but none of them are as cool as her.





	1. New SKull

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I reccomend viewing this as "Entire Work" because all the chapters are very short.
> 
> WARNING: This story has very little to do with Dracula or Monster High.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moronica is forced to attend a new school by her shitty parents, and vows to get revenge.

Once there was a sexy beutiful girl named Moronica Von Vampire and her dad was Dracula, her mom was Candina and she had a baby sister.  
"Hello my name is BURGERMORT" said Moronica's baby sister. They were sitting at the family table of death and drinking some red kool aid while being a hundred years old.  
"Mmkay Moronica time for skull" said Dracula, using a very clever and original pun.  
“What do you mean dad?” asked Moronica who didn't understand anything.  
“Oh bloody hellfuckers, I forgot to mention today is your new day at Ghost Nazi Highschool.” explained Dracula. He turned to his wife, Candina. “What's the time, honey bunches?”  
“It's two in the afternoon” said Candina stiffly.  
“Whoops, lol sounds like you're late. Better get going now, Moronica” said Dracula. “Bye!”  
“I want a divorce” Candina said.  
Moronica swallowed her scary feelings and kool aid and ran out of the front door to go to her new school - Ghost Nazi Highschool. Moronica entered through the school gate and screamed with excitement and nervousness at this new situation.

"Oh boy, a girl!" said a boy who was in the background before another girl punched him. "Its ghoul, not girl. Do not defy the sanctity of our puns!" she barked. She ran over on all fours to Moronica and introduced herself. "Hey ghOULfriend, I'm Doggarina the werewolf and I'm a fashionista!" she said as fleas crawled into her ears. Two other girls appeared to introduce their identities to Moronica.  
"I'm FUCKING LAURA and my name is Frank"  
“I’m Gary”  
"Y mi nombre es Alberta!" added a big girl who was there.  
"Lol this is my Chinese friend Dora, I have to translate for her" said Doggarina. “We are all super important people and you will be at this school for a long time. Now that everyone has been introduced, I'm gonna go take a piss." And she ran away into the bushes.

Moronica was still scared and ran like Jesus on crucifixion day till she reached inside the school. She went into the girls bathroom to do her hair while water leaked on her stylish gothic black crocs. 


	2. A sinking feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moronica meets a fish named Laguna and demonstrates her superiority.

Suddenly Moronica heard a voice from a stall say "hello", and so she broke down the door to say hi to this stranger. There was a huge gigantic big ass fish with legs flopping and kicking in a massive puddle of water on the floor, and it looked at her and gasped "help, I can't breathe". So Moronica heroically hauled up the fish and threw it at the sink, smashing the sink into billions of pieces so that water flooded the room.  
"Whoops" said Moronica and this time she filled up another sink with water and gently placed the dying fish inside it, who took several deep breaths while in the water.  
"You have one minute to explain why you're here, and if I don't like the answer I'm pulling the plug on you" said Moronica, ready to empty the sink at a moment's notice.  
"My name is laguna the sexy fish. I get bullied because im to nice" said Laguna, but her face was submerged in water so Moronica heard none of this.  
"Your time is almost up" said Moronica as the fish gasped, lifting her head out of the water to speak.  
"My n-"  
"Too late" and Moronica as she pulled the plug out, leaving Laguna to drown in a world of pain.

As she was leaving, Moronica saw someone had written "Laguna is cool" in fish language. But someone had written under it in normal language "Laguna is NOT cool, she sluty"  
"That is not nice" thought Moronica. "I'm going to have a talk with that person about bullying" and she left her home address and phone number on the wall so that the person who wrote the message could contact her to have a talk about bullying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plese keep reading and revoiw


	3. Things heat up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The school's fire alarms are briefly activated.

"Now is time to class" said Moronica and she was walking to a class. On the way a boy made of fire appeared and said "hi, my name is Fire, I combust into pure light and heat energy while recording music for my mixtape. You're hot" he said, and playfully punched Moronica in the face. This was meant to be friendly gesture but his fists were made of fire and Fire's compliment became very ironic, as Moronica felt her face begin to heat up.  
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" screamed Moronica as she burst into flames. Suddenly a loud sound rang out. Fire had made the fire alarm go off!  
"BEEEEEP BEEEEEP" shouted the fire alarm helplessly while Moronica was roasting and being burned to a crisp.  
"Whoa! Oh no, I'm so sorry!" yelled Fire. "I'll put out this pesky fire with some liquid!" said Fire, grabbing a bottle of gasoline from his bag.  
"No, it's ok!" yelled Moronica as she grabbed a fire extinguisher and extinguished herself. She sprayed a little under her arms too to use as deodorant because she didn't want to smell like burning.

"Nice to meet you, Fire” said Moronica shyly, slamming her fist into the fire alarm so that it broke. She reached forward to shake his hand when suddenly someone did a scream!  
“AAAAAAH!” screamed a girl as she ran into the room and karate chopped Moronica on the shoulder to stop her from shaking hands with her new friend.  
“How dare you try to have the sex with my boyfriend!” shouted the girl right in Moronica’s awesome face.  
“My name is Kloe by the way, goodbye peasant” said the girl who was now called Kloe. She was wearing fireproof bandages, and grabbed Fire and ran out of the room before Moronica could say a thing. Suddenly Dora the ghost and Doggarina came from round a corner and said hello to Moronica.  
“Hey, shouldn't you be in class?” asked Doggarina. “This is a high school you know, you're not supposed to just meander aimlessly in the hallways.”  
“Si! ?Que es tu clase ahora?” agreed Dora, who was Chinese.  
“That means “Doggarina is correct and very sexy too” in Chinese” translated Doggarina. “Anway, what is your class now?”  
“I have English class today.” said Moronica.  
“Wow!” said Doggarina. “That's impressive- I can't even read!” she laughed. “Hey Dora, you're the one that should be going to English class! Because you're Chinese! HAHAHAHA!”  
“Algun dia te matare, puta” whispered Dora.

So our favourite vampire hero waved goodbye to the girls and decided to go to English class to do the Shakespeare and find the reason for life after recovering from her near death experience.


	4. Cornered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story slows to a grinding halt so that Moronica can learn the merits of Shakespearean literature while coming to terms with her mortality.

Moronica had decided to go to English class. She was great at Shakepeare, having lived in Ancient Greece for many years. She sat down in a chair next to the window so she could jump out if things got too intense.

“Ok class, vee have a new student vith us, her name is Moronica” said the English teacher, Mr Schweinsteiger. Mr Shchweinsteiger was a vampire like Moronica and her family, and he was German, you could tell by his voice. “Moronica, say hello to the class”  
“hello the the clASS” said Moronica proudly, still sat by the window.  
“Good job Moronica! Have a gold star” said Mr Sweinsteiger. He opened his desk drawer to get out a gold star sticker, but there were no gold stars in his drawer at all!  
“It appears someone has pulled off a big heist” said Mr Sweinsteiger gravely. He looked in his drawers to check they hadn't ended up in there, then checked the desk drawer again. No gold stars.

Mr Sweinsteiger sighed and picked up a receipt. He scribbled something on it and then stuck it to Moronica's desk with superglue. The receipt was from Mcdonalds and on it the English teacher had written “Gud job Moronica, yuo get a gold star.” with a star drawn next to it.

“Right, now vee are doing Shake-spear” said Mr Schweinsteiger.  
“Hooray!” cheered the class. Everyone in Mr Schweinsteiger's class loved Shake-spear. Mr Schweinsteiger picked up a wooden spear and shook it around violently while the class watched intently and took notes on the trajectory and jiggle-factor of the spear, before he put it down again by his desk.  
“Now zat iz done, vee can continue reading Shakespeare”. The class groaned. Everyone hated the Grecian plagiarist Shakespeare and his plays.  
“Sir, Shakespeare's plays are for plebs! They're so boring” complained a dead guy named Mortimer.  
“Yeah, let's read The Gruffalo instead” Moronica said. “It has way better character development”.  
“Shut up! No one cares vot you vont! Vee are reading Hamlet now!!!” yelled Mr Schweinsteiger.  
“But I dont feeeel like it” whined Kloe who was also in the class for some reason.  
“The Great Shakespeare has clearly written himself into a corner!” exclaimed another student. “We're 4 chapters in and nothing's happened- it's just pointless scenes of characters arguing with no plot!”  
“Zhut up! Vot do you know about Zhakezpeare?” zneered Mr Zchvveinzteiger. “You know zilch, zat's vot!”  
“NAY, GOOD FELLOW” contended Mortimer. “We hath suffered enough, cease thy bullshittery!”  
“I don't get it” someone mumbled at the back of the classroom.  
“How dare you svear at me?” demanded the teacher.   
“Bite my thumb, beeyotch. Ain't no teacher gonna tell Mortimer what to do.” proclaimed Mortimer. “I have seen it all, sir. I have fought a thousand battles, bed a thousand whores, and bathed in the light of the Gods. I watched the entire Shrek quadrilogy including credits. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come?”

Moronica opened the window and jumped out. This was all too intense for her. Highschool was one heck of a place to be.


	5. Escape the school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Moronica should not be your role model, she does a lot of bad stuff and so do not be like her. Do not throw up on your teacher.

Some of the people in the class seemed surprised when Moronica threw herself out of the classroom window. Mr Schweinsteiger's lessons were often boring, but so far no one had ever tried to evacuate the building only 8 minutes into the lesson. They had not even started their Reading Time yet because they were still so busy having Argument Time.

Moronica was scared and running and she decided to leave the school and go home to be with her vampire family because school is for squares. But first she had to escape the school. There were teachers patrolling the school outside and Moronica had to be sneaky like a Russian spy.   
“I could really use some vodka right now” said Moronica, attempting to get into character. Moronica always found her critical thinking skills were at their highest after a few shots of hard liquor.  
She started walking calmly towards the school gates, pretending that she was doing what she was supposed to be doing. There was a shapeshifting teacher guarding the gate.  
“Where are you going?” asked the teacher sternly.  
“I'm going home, I feel sick” said Moronica. This was kind of true.  
“You don't look sick” said the teacher. But what she didn't know was that Moronica had the special ability to throw up on cue.  
“Bleh!” said Moronica, and she vomited on the teacher's shoes.  
“Ew! What in the actual fuck” said the teacher who was having a bad day. Moronica punched the sky in joy. “Victory!” she said, and walked towards the gate to go through.  
“I'm telling your parents about this, Moronica. You will be in big trouble” said the teacher. Moronica froze and picked up a nearby brick, before aiming it at the teacher's head.  
“Goodnight” said Moronica, throwing the brick at lightning speed. But the teacher shapeshifted into a cupcake to absorb the brick's impact. Moronica laughed. “All is going according to plan” she said evilly, before walking over to the cupcake and kicking it into a nearby drain.   
“Noooooo” said the shapeshifting teacher cupcake as she fell into the sewer and was eaten by demon clowns.  
“Finally, I am free.” said Moronica, and walked home to be with her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about to get crazy.


	6. Family Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moronica reunites with her beloved vampire family, only to discover some unfortunate news.

Moronica arrived at the house of her family and Dracula answered the door.  
“Moronica! You are home early for once.” he said. “What a nice surprise”.  
They went into the house and sat down in the living room. Candina was stood up with her arms crossed.  
Moronica smiled. “Hi mom. I commited homocide today.” she said.  
“That's nice dear” said Candina. They sat in silence for several minutes.

“Mmmmmkay Moronica you have to leave now, I'm afraid” said Dracula.  
“What do you mean dad?” asked Moronica.  
“Oh, pissflapping vampire bats, I forgot to mention me and your mother are getting a divorce” explained Dracula. He turned to his wife, Candina. “You'd better have custody of the kids”  
“I wouldn't have needed your permission” said Candina, and she was right because the legal system is biased towards men and so in custody battles women usually win regardless of the man's input. Candina won at everything, including Monopoly. This made Dracula very angry but he had to hide it and keep his feelings locked deep inside his broken liver, numbing the pain through alcoholism.

“Don't worry Moronica, your dear sister Burgermort is always here for you” said Moronica's sister Burgermort who was a baby. Moronica was so angry. Within a few hours, she had determined that all three members of her family were worthless to her.  
“I hope you all choke on garlic butter” said Moronica savagely. She turned to her parents. “Your piss-poor marriage plans ruined my life” and with that she ran out of the house to make a new life for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I know this chapter wasn't that interesting but I promise you NEXT chapter things are going to get crazy. The real story is just about to begin.


	7. Blud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moronica finds a new family and discovers her purpose in life.

Moronica was running, but she didn't know where to. It was all happening so fast and Moronica was cold, and tired, and hungry.

“Are you alright dear?” asked a werewolf lady who was walking by. Moronica turned up her nose at her. “Get lost, you flea bitten mutt. I don't want to associate with your kind” she said haughtily, and continued on her way. It was ok because Moronica was a vampire and this made her better than everyone else, so she was allowed to say this.

Moronica kept walking until she entered a sketchy part of town full of gangs and street crime. There was a group of vampires who were all wearing black because that's their colour that belongs to them. Suddenly, Moronica collapsed to the ground in exhaustion.  
“Are you ok?” asked one of the vampires.  
“Aaargh...” said Moronica, coughing. “I have been travelling for nine hours” she said, before looking at her cellphone and realizing it had only been two minutes since she left the house.  
“Hey, you're a vampire like us. Wanna join our gang?”  
“Sure” said Moronica, panting. She got up.  
“I'm Mark” one of the vampires said. Another vampire beckoned her over.  
“My name is Lilith! Come with me, blud!!” said Lilith.  
“B-dum tsssss” said Mark.

Moronica followed the group until they reached a tall building. They went inside the building and there was an elevator. The elevator was full of annoying people so they sucked their blood and threw them out of the building. The elevator played death metal music and they reached a penthouse suite at the top of the building.  
“This is our headquarters!!!” said Lilith.  
Mark opened the fridge. “Here is where we keep severed heads” he said.  
“Wow. How cool!” said Moronica, who was excited to meet people that were like her. Everyone else could go die in a hole as far as she was concerned.

“Now Moronica, you are part of our gang. We need you to help us on a very important mission” explained Mark.  
“Ok” said Moronica.  
“Don't worry!!!! It'll be super fun!!!!!” said Lilith in a fun-sounding way.  
“Ok” said Moronica.  
Mark opened a suitcase that was full of bags and bags of sugary stuff. “This suitcase is full of cocaine- 45 bags of it to be exact. All we need is for you to deliver it to another gang in Paris.” said Mark. “We are doing this because they gave us a lot of money which we spent on this penthouse, and if you don't deliver it they'll come here and kidnap us and kill us. Will you help us get through airport security to deliver these drugs?”.  
“Ok” said Moronica.  
Lilith smiled. “Thanks Moronica!!!!!! In exchange for living in this penthouse, you will have to help us do chores.”  
“WHAT???” yelled Moronica. “NO WAY”.


	8. No use crying over it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moronica, Mark and Lilith find themselves in a very troubling predicament.

Moronica slowly began to adjust to living with two other people. She had reluctantly agreed to do chores because if she didn't live in this penthouse, she would be homeless. Moronica knew she could never go back to her old house with her retarded family. Mark and Lilith were the only family she could ever need. Right now Lilith had finished her chores and was watching Sky News. Mark was doing the dishes and Moronica was cleaning the dust from some lego bricks she discovered hiding inbetween the couch cushions. What a find!

It was Saturday, the day before they went to the Airport to travel to Paris and do Drug Trafficking. Lilith and Mark had already booked their tickets and everyone's suitcases were packed. Moronica had stuffed three bikinis into her suitcase and three pairs of flippers in case they decided to go swimming.  
“Moronica, you don't need these” said Mark, taking them, out of the suitcase. “we're only going to be there one day”.  
“Yeah I know” said Moronica. “but it means, we can swim away in, the ocean in ca,se we need to make a quick escape,,,,,,,,,”.  
Lilith came bounding into the room. “I brought the cocaine” she whispered like an expert secret-keeper.  
“Sorry, what was that?” asked Moronica. “I'm a little hard of hearing today.”  
“I SAID I BROUGHT THE COCAINE!!!!!!!” Lilith screamed at the top of her lungs. Luckily the walls of the penthouse were very thick so hopefully nobody heard that. Lilith threw a bag of cocaine on the floor and it exploded like a magic trick.  
“Uh oh” said Moronica.  
“Fuck's sake” said Mark.  
There was now cocaine all over the carpet where they were sitting. Moronica tried to pick up each individual grain one by one, but it was useless.  
“It's useless!” said Mark. “This carpet hasn't been washed in years, and I never wear shoes. The drugs are contaminated, we can't sell them now.  
“What do we do?!!!!!!!!” panicked Lilith. “maybe we could hoover it up and put it in the bin.”  
“No, remember when we did that with the severed heads?” said Mark. “The garbage people will find it, and we'll get in so much trouble.”  
“Well we don't have much time” said Moronica. “We need to think of a solution to our predicament, fast!”  
They all worried about what to do in this situation, using their brains to try and think of a solution to their predicament, fast.


	9. How to hide things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moronica manages to salvage the situation through her quick wits. The gang prepares for their trip to Paris to smuggle the now 44 bags of cocaine across the border.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Let's flush it down the toilet” suggested Mark.  
“Nope” said Lilith. “toilet's clogged”.  
“Ok, then we'll use the sink” Mark said triumphantly. “It's not like they'll check through the sewage.” He leapt up to grab the hoover to hoover up the cocaine. With the voice of a screaming goat, Moronica began singing a beautiful song she wrote herself.

“Weeeee'll hoover up this crack cocaine  
and pour it all right down the drain,  
No one should suspect a thing,  
Vampires are the best at everything!  
We will sparkle through the night  
'Cause our skin is pale and-”

“Sink is clogged too” said Lilith. “so that plan won't work”. Mark's eyes bulged in rage and Moronica's song trailed off.  
“Why is everything clogged?!” he yelled in frustration. “it doesn't make any sense”.  
“Didn't you hear that story on Sky News?” Lilith said. “Every toilet in the city has been clogged for hours. Apparently a fish-woman was flushed down the drain and it caused a blockage in the pipes, so the water won't flow correctly.”  
“Was she ok?” asked Mark. Lilith shrugged.  
“I don't know what sort of monster could do that to someone” Mark said. They both looked at Moronica.  
“Yes, how terrible.” she said with emotion.  
Mark slumped to the floor. They had no idea what to do about their drug problem. But suddenly Moronica got a bright idea.  
“Let's hide the cocaine...” she said. “in our NOSES!”  
Mark and Lilith both stared at her for a moment. 

“Great idea Moronica!!!!!!!!!” said Lilith. “It'd be a shame to let all this lovely cocaine go to waste. This is the only way to get rid of it without any evidence”. They both knelt down and began hoovering it up through their nasal passages. Mark looked unsure at first, but realized there was no other choice, so he joined them and soon all the cocaine was gone and the floor was spotless.

“Right, now we can finally get on with preparing these drugs for travel.” said Mark. There were so many bags of it still, 44 to be exact. Too much to fit in Moronica's suitcase. Mark turned to Lilith. “We're gonna need some duct tape.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that's all for now, hope you enjoyed. New chapters coming soon!


	10. Very Important

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having arrived at the National Airport For Zany Individuals, Moronica asserts that she and her gang are of great importance and deserve to be treated as such.

“I'm feeling a little apprehensive” whispered Moronica. The three friends were about to enter the building for the National Airlines for Zany Individuals™. Mark and Lilith had duct taped 8 bags of the drugs to Moronica's arms, legs and back. They thought about putting one in each of her shoes but Moronica always walked with such decisive footsteps that she might accidentally put too much pressure on the bags, causing them to explode everywhere.  
“You have now arrived at the National Airlines for Zany Individuals™™” said an announcer over the intercom. “Please try to control your children and pets for maximum security and comfort. No peeing in the wastebaskets”  
“Hey, we're all Zany Individuals!!™™™” said Moronica. “so this airport is perfect for us!”  
Lilith looked around distractedly, and Mark smiled at Moronica.  
“Moronica, just relax and act as you naturally would” said Mark. Moronica nodded and started spinning in a circle and sang loudly:  
“LA LA LA LA,  
MY NAME IS MORONICA VON VAMPIRE  
I LIVE IN A PENTHOUSE IN TOWN NEARBY  
I WENT TO SCHOOL AND GOT SET ON FIRE,  
TO MY PATHETIC FAMILY I SAID GOODBYE  
LA LA LA LA”

“No!” said Mark. “I mean act natural in a way that doesn't draw attention to us- pretend you aren't carrying anything suspicious. If you believe it, so will the security people”  
“Oh ok” said Moronica.

The high of the cocaine they snorted last night had long since worn off, so they were able to think clearly and make rational decisions. The three of them decided to shop for souvenirs while waiting for their flight, which was happening in an hour. There was a man reading a book at a stand that said “Guide” on the front. They walked over to him and Lilith said “excuse me, where are the shops?”. The guide let out a long and heavy sigh without looking up from his book.  
“Um, excuse you. We are all very important people” said Moronica. “So you should be doing your job and showing us where the shop is”.  
Mark cringed slightly. and the tour guide leapt up from his seat, knocking over the entire guide stand which crashed to the floor with a great clatter. He seemed excited.  
“I'm so very sorry, I had no idea you were so important. Thank you for telling me.” He bared his teeth in a grin like a dog that is trying to impress you.  
“Wow, are those gold teeth?” asked Mark. He sized up the security guide like he was good meat.  
“No, my teeth are just very, very yellow. I don't brush them. I'm too busy. Too busy helping VIP's like you!” he beckoned them over, still grinning weirdly.  
“Actually, we're not...” began Mark. Moronica cut him off. “That's right! She said. “We're very important VIP's. The most important people in this whole airport.”  
Somehow the guide managed to smile even wider, to the point where his eyes were almost squeezed shut. “Well that's quite spectacular” he spoke stiffly through his teeth, his voice shifting into a british accent. “We will make sure to be paying extra close attention to you and your needs”.  
Mark glared at Moronica, who was now staring at her feet as though they had suddenly become fascinating. There was a breif pause where everyone was quiet. The only sound that could be heard was Lilith breathing faster than usual.


End file.
